Sunday, September 16, 2007

16th September 2007 Hope the blocking will work.. Casper's and Amy's teasing kinda made me feeling quite embarrassed.. I love to gossip and joke..

I cried softly on the way home by bus from Junction8.. I didnt expect that someone do not believe in me.. Was kinda sad..

Casper was saying that he could judge a person by his handwritting, which handwritting shapes what their mind thinks.. I partially agree to it on this hypothesis..

I do agree to a certain extent that i'm partially self-centered..

But i didnt expect that he hates me.. He proclaimed that i hated him, because when i wrote his name, i'm using more force than other words.. Well, i really couldnt bear grudges.. And seriously, it isnt true, i dont hate anyone at all.. I only dislike people who do immature acts of harming and depressing people..

If someone hates me because i tease him, i can still understand, that is because i like to tease, and only to my closer friends.. I wont tease people who arent really close to me.. Currently for JC friends, i only tease GuoDong, Eric and Amy, Simin; my sec school friends, KaiYang, HuiHan, SongYuan, GuoLiang, JiaFeng Chermine..

He said that i'm quite arrogant, and i'm looking down at others.. I really DID NOT look down on anyone, i treated everyone as my friends.. That's because he said that i always thought that people will know the answer.. I do agree i assume someone will know it.. And my "yeah" is like "duhh".. And if i'm assuming they know, isnt that suppose to be looking people up?

He said that i always covering up my stories behind, concealing the real self of Zhe Xuan.. But it is totally soo untrue.. I've been quite frank towards my friends.. Whatever i said, it is always Casper that thought that i've been lying.. His perception of me is that i'm always living in a world of faking.. One example, he still have the mindset that i still like Jolene.. Yes, once, no feelings now.. But he still kept asking if i ever still like, i answered like countless times "no".. I believed he still dont believe even though they asked me today.. The most that i can really do to make him believe that it is really a "no" is by saying "no", but yet he still dont believe..

I've got no intention on lying, neither do i have intentions of hating and looking down on other people..

He is kinda angry at me because i treated him rudely during the Physics lecture that day.. I agree is my fault, i'm over-reacting.. I'm sorry.. I knew he was joking.. But he joke in a sarcastic manner when i'm soo concern and worried about my physics practical at the end of the day, and it's important to inform Mr Ow about me being unable to go for Physics practical due to the recording of school song.. I didnt tell Mr Ow until Friday though, so that is why i am worried.. He jokes when i'm serious.. Even my secondary school friends will know, when it comes to serious, i'm really serious..

You know, i felt sad.. I really dont really know how to express myself and my thoughts.. Language-wise, action-wise, they are all a difficulty for me.. Sometimes when i intent to do something, my actions perceived by others are different..

I've lost my confidence to smile and be happy now.. I couldnt feel as happy and contented in my life now compared to my secondary life, where i'm always smiling.. I'm really tired, tired of my life currently..

And seeing him(Casper) having secrets about me with so many people, Amy and more, i really dont know if i should ever trust or befriend with any of my JC friends, given that all his secrets about me are all negative and is mostly untrue.. And i thought when i'm being frank with my friends, they will be frank to me too.. They didnt..

And it appears to me that no one really trust me in what i said..

I really loved my secondary school friends, because they are much cuter, much more pure than my JC's one.. My sec school friends had NEVER ever have any dirty jokes and such.. Coming to JC, it seems there is alot..

If i were ever to compare between JC friends and sec school friends, my JC friends are soo much wilder, but we still have fun.. My secondary school friends are more cheerful and pure, and have much more fun.. My sec school friends at least shares same hobbies as i have; watching OuXiangJu, Rainie fans and such.. They are so much sweeter in comparison..

And i shall emphasize, i aint hating anyone.. I may be pissed off sometimes, but i will tend to forget and it doesnt make me hate anyone.. Just like, i aint hating Eric or Guo Dong.. But i just doesnt like that they are being kinda flirtatious, and that's all.. And i'm not wearing masks where on the surface i'm being close with them but deep inside i'm not.. Treated everyone whole-heartedly, and what i get was that i'm faking all the while..

I started out having one aim, always to blog to share my happiness and experiences of my life with my friends.. Now i really wonder if i should blog, it will seems like my blog posts and such are all just fake..

I think i'm should be able to get over this thing soon.. Hoping so.. If things dont get anything better, i think i should stop blogging, seeing no point to it.. My secondary school life, i have never had any blog set aside for emo entries.. And now it seems like i'm having more.. It just defeats my initial aim of blogging..

Going crazy at...
Sunday, September 16, 2007